By Franchesca Lane-Warren (www.bossygirl1980.com)
When I got married 4 years ago I was so happy to become a wife. Me and my husband had dated for nine years and I was ready to be married. When he proposed I totally engrossed myself in everything to do with a wedding. I planned a beautiful wedding and honeymoon but after all of the hoopla was over I had a big shock. Not only was I a wife by the Mrs. in front of my name but also in my actions. That is right…I now had to adjust to not only being a wife on paper but I had to now perform wifely duties (gulp).
Before I lose some of you let me explain. Before I got married no one explained to me what happens after the wedding and that being married changes the dynamics of a relationship.
Let me give you an example of what I mean. Right before we got married I was offered a job in another city. I was so pumped that I quickly accepted and began planning my move. After we were married, I was on the phone chit chatting with my BFF about my move when I noticed my husband kept giving me the “side eye.” When I got off the phone, I inquired why he was looking at me crazy. He asked me, “What if I don’t want to move?” I was floored. I had forgotten to even ask him his feelings about the move. I had totally taken him out of the equation. After a lot of talking I realized I was not going to move until further notice.
The single (and even engaged me) would have packed up and moved anyway but the title of wife made me think that I should at least consider my husband’s feelings. At this moment I realized the first lesson of being a good wife””playing your position and learning your role.
How could I learn my role? What the heck was my role? These were all questions I had to learn (and quickly) if I wanted to stay a wife and in a happy marriage.
1.The first thing I had to do was swallow my pride. I had to stop thinking I had to be right about everything and that everything in our relationship revolved around me. When my husband and I talked about the possible move out of state he brought up questions I had not even considered like: where would he work? How would this drastic move affect our son? After sitting and talking with him for what seemed like hours I realized a huge move did not make sense after having a huge wedding.
2. I had to learn to keep my mouth shut at the right time. Wow, this is a process that I am still working through. When we finally did move (a year later) I wanted to buy another house ASAP. Without researching the area, I found a house and had gotten us approved. (As I look back at this how inconsiderate is that?) All I needed was for him to sign the paperwork and physically move us. When I finally showed the hubby the house he immediately nixed the house and the neighborhood. Something told me to argue with him but instead I shut my mouth. We continued to look for houses together and guess what? Four months later we found a better house, in a more established subdivision with better schools. What about that first house? The house’s value has went down almost 40 percent, the subdivision is not finished and the last time I looked the developer had went bankrupt.
3. There are times when he has to take the lead””even when I want to. I had to learn that every decision is not for me to make and sometimes the one with the more “level head” needs to make decisions. There was a time when I had to go to my son’s former school over his preschool teacher recommending him for Special Ed due to his mild stuttering but my husband stopped me and asked me to stay at home. Instead he went to the school and settled the matter. A few days later I sent an email to the school administrator and teacher when I was more level headed. What would have happened if I had gone to the school angry? Nothing would have been worse then me acting crazy at a place where my son had to attend on a daily basis. I am blessed that many times my husband will refer some decisions to me or will ask for my opinion or we will come to a mutual agreement about issues.
Now I am not an expert, doctor (I am still in process of getting my PhD), or therapist but I do know that a lot of marriages that fail are ones where neither party knows and/or acknowledges their roles. Learning my position has allowed me to have a happy marriage””what about you?
What do you think about assuming your position in a marriage? Does it work for you?
Fran is the owner and head writer of lifestyle blog, www.bossygirl1980.com and lifewiththreekids.wordpress.com. You can find her on twitter @Bossygirl1980 reliving the good, bad and strange world of parenting.
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wow this is truly encouraging to hear. I myself have been struggling with trying to find what is my role/position in this marriage. not what my dads role is and follow that, but what is my role in my marriage. I think so many of us get caught up in what we were raised or what our friends say that we forget, that this is my marriage and that i need to adjust to my marriage. I really enjoyed this read.
Great comment. You definitely have to figure out what both of your rolls are in your marriage because there is no other like it.
Spot on! & I am a therapist
When talking to singles one of my primary sayings is that I had to learn how to be a wife. I explain to them how I was a professional single woman…I knew how to be single but I had never been married before. With that said it is a learning experience for both the husband and the wife. A marriage is a much happier union to be apart of when both individuals accept their new role and take pride in getting better at it too! Take care!
i saw that you say your therapist, and I completely understand with this story, but how do you get past your fear that your husband uses widsom and good judgement when making decisions or the fact I’m afraid that the decisions he makes will put us in a bind? Sometimes I find myself embarassed by my husband. I am non-confrontational women and my husband is not he is quick to debate and sometimes that embarasses me especially when I think there is a different way to handel things? What should I do?
I find that many marital issues get easier over time. You just have to willing to put the time in. Some husbands are not take charge men like mine and yours but you have to accept him for who he is. One thing for sure is you can’t and won’t change him. I’m sure he was that way before you married him,, you excepted it then. You will just become more agitated by trying to change him. Rest assure that many men change themselves as they grow and mature. As far as debating he can’t debate if you are not debating back. One thing she did say right is that you have to just know when to be quiet even if you don’t want to.
Let me make sure that I am reading correctly what your concerns are…Your husband makes decisions that he feels are what is best for your family but he also becomes confrontational when told that there are better options is that correct? As Shonette said some marital issues do get better over time(especially when you learn to choose your battles) but I understand your concerns if you feel that your husband is making a decision that could have a negative impact. Have you tried to discuss your concerns with your husband? You said that you’re non-confrontational have you ever viewed being non-confrontational as an asset in your relationship? Especially when voicing your concerns to your husband. Talk to him during a time that you’re both relaxed and it’s just the two of you. Ask him what he expects of you(& hopefully you’ll get that question in return from him!!). With the small information that was provided by you I do hope that Shonette and I have given you some useful options. Best regards
Not only do you need to hold your tongue when this is happening, you need to be able to discuss the situation later when he is non-confrontational. Then you can gently say how you would have handled it. At first, he will most likely not agree, but eventually, he may defer to you because I am sure he gets frustrated in his debates, if you end up being embarassed. All you can do is try to open up the lines of communication for him to be able to see there are different ways of handling things. Eventually with the communication, you will understand exactly where he is going with things, so there will be no more fear on your part that he will put you in a bind. And if it turns out, that’s the direction he wants to go, at some point you will need to decide if you want to go there with him. Good luck! And know that he will change when and if he wants to, not when you want it.
Good article and timely considering I am getting married in 2 wks.
Congrat Lawanda. See my reply below. I will help your upcoming marriage.
Correction, it will help your upcoming marriage.
Great article Fran. Looking forward to having more of your articles on the site!
I appreciate you taking the time to write this article. I desire to be married and in time it will happen. But there are things which change and people to consider. Its not no longer you. I can see my self making the decisions you made being single yet I can appreciate that when that time comes for me, I will learn to allow my lead man to lead. Thanks for the article
Thank you for writing this article! I’m newly engaged to a wonderful, wonderful man but I thought I was the only person that has experienced these revelations. It made me think something was wrong with me. The change from a single independent woman to half of a soon-to-be married couple was a shock to my system. Although the changes in mindset and priority were hard, it is absolutely worth the work and self sacrifice to have a healthy and happy relationship. Ultimately it’s all about consideration and compromise.
It was extremely important for our marriage to negotiate our roles and responsibilities (R&R). Before we got married, I had expectations and so did she. Throughout our 1-yr engagement, we put everything up for negotiation. Yes “negotiations”. No, this wasn’t the alluring, exciting, sexiness that some think engagement and marriage is. Sometimes it led to…como si dice…”discussions”. Other times it led to clarity and insight neither one of us knew about each other. We discuss everthing from cooking to cleaning to sex to quality time and alone time. Everything. After 14 years of marriage, I can attest that was one of the top three benefitial things we did to lay a solid foundation in our marriage. I recommend Lawanda, who is getting married in two weeks, to do that too. If you are already married and haven’t done it. It’s not too late. Schedule small blocks of time to negotiate specific issues in your relationship. Don’t try to have these negotiations right after a “discussion”. It will only lead to further “discussions”. Pick a time when everyone is happy and at peace with one another. Lastly, whatever is agreed upon in negotiations, don’t reneg. That produces long term problems that eventually bring your character and integrity into question. Happy Negotiating
Thanks everyone!!! Wait until the next article!!!
Great post! I’m so with you on #2. I had to learn all about time, place, and manner (when it comes to saying what’s on your mind) after I got married!
I agree that marriages work out better when everyone :knows their role,” but I disagree with the notion that such “roles” are universal and stagnant. Everyone and every couple has their own definition of what it means to be a “wife” and a “husband,” and whether or not we like it, things happen that interrupt whatever our roles are and sometimes create the need for us to step outside those roles. Know your “role,” but know that what it means to play that role doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone (i.e. I myself don’t believe in the whole wife = cooking, cleaning and primary childcare; I believe that work outside and within the house can and should be done/shared by both people in the marriage. To me, placing the burden of working outside and doing all the inside housework on a woman b/c that’s what “wives” do is unfair, self-fish and a great burden).
Great post Fran. I have to check myself sometimes too, 6 months after the “I Do”s. There’s times where I have to let my husband take the lead instead of getting all up in arms about something.
Powerful, Sis! I’m Lovin the Black Lovin!!! Of course I am biased because your king is one of my homies, but as a man let me tell you that acknowledgement goes a looong way… I honestly feel like it is one of the most underutilized tools in Black Relationships. I like to think of it in terms of the balance between “Celebration and Confrontation…” Relationships are hard work, but as you have shown, there is a formula. Nice!
if you had been together nine years you shouldn’e have been thinking about moving without asking him anyway. Dating is like practicing being married. Perhaps thats why some men never marry certain women
Loved your article! First I had to check the date and make sure it was current before I would even read it. All I could think of was the negative connotation of wife in a demeaning female role. But that is not the case! I am a strong, educated, previous single mother, divorced, now happily married wife who has kept her maiden name through it all (as in women’s lib). However, I know my role as a wife. I hold my tongue when necessary, I speak up gently. I assert myself, but know when it’s alright for my husband to take over and be in charge. I must say I am happier than I have ever been. Eight years together and 10 married years later. This current bliss is worth all the craziness I had to go through to get here! Thank you Jesus!!
What do you do when you both have different ideas about your roles? He is more old fashioned in his expectations, while I dont mind that role, at times, it’s all a little overwhelming. I’m not a house wife, I work 9-5, pickup and drop off the kids daily, cook, wash, take care of the kids etc. While he works and takes care of fixing things around the house.
It is all a little frustrating, considering he acted differently prior to us getting married.
What do you do when you both have different ideas about your roles? He is more old fashioned in his expectations, while I dont mind that role, at times, it’s all a little overwhelming. I’m not a house wife, I work 9-5, pickup and drop off the kids daily, cook, wash, take care of the kids etc. While he works and takes care of fixing things around the house.
It is all a little frustrating, considering he acted differently prior to us getting married.
As a new wife (1 yr strong) I’ve been dealing with this too. Everything you say is correct, and I feel that some women are intimidated by the terminology role or position. At that point humility is still a lesson. However, there is a fourth rule that I have noticed and that is knowing when it ish your queue to direct with authority and how to do that without insulting your husbands masculinity. What I’ve discovered is that your vocal tone and pitch are important and when you can say it firmly with a smile. Great post.
No one teaches a young woman her role in a marriage. You go in thinking love will conquer all…not true. Ladies please be more open with your daughters, sisters, girlfriends etc. about what a WIFE indures, replace the pride with the truth.