http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ Blackandmarriedwithkids.com Forums: Recent Posts en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:19:28 +0000 http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-187 Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:39:17 +0000 jtb 187@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>LOL at YolandaMichelle, but you are correct! Having a boyfriend is not a commitment, and therefore, you can't cheat if you aren't committed. The only committed relationship is marriage. And after 9 years, and he hasn't made you his wife, that in itself is a problem! jazz1eme is also correct!!!!!! Marriage is not only a joining of a man and woman, but you sign a contract with God as well. I think that's were most people fall short, they forget that God is the 3rd person in every marriage, or should be!!!! So to cheat on your spouse, is to cheat on God as well! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat on your spouse! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=2#post-186 Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:31:14 +0000 jtb 186@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I met my husband in grade school at the age of 9, our paths crossed again in 2005 at our 10 high school reunion. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-185 Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:31:31 +0000 Married10years 185@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Yes there is justification for cheating. Because both will be too blame if the person was cheating because of something not being taken care of at home. How you handle the situation and conditions of your love will justify the affair. In relationships there are agreements and then there is reality. Reality is it’s not easy to walk away from the home you have built…including time invested. You do love the person for many reasons…however youth, needs and wants should be a priority! When love isn’t being made at home the door for temptation is swung wide open. Most people should know this…even the bible speaks of it. So just be careful of how you are handling things because you could be handing your man or woman over on a silver platter. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=92#post-184 Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:23:21 +0000 Married10years 184@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Just continue to mother her. Love her for who she is including the good things about her that comes from you! As long as you arent feeling abusive things will work out. You might be stressing and need a break from a young girl who is about to go through the change. Peace be with you! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=92#post-183 Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:25:22 +0000 tiredmommie 183@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>funny u should ask...she puts me in the mind of the little girls i couldn't stand when i was her age. i know, i should grow up and get over it. believe me, i've tried. i have noticed that when she and i spend one on one time together, it's much better than when her younger sister is with us. i've been trying to spend more time with her so i can get past my childish feelings.</p> <p>i do love her and want nothing but the best for her. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=92#post-182 Tue, 10 Nov 2009 17:43:40 +0000 Determined1 182@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>You have to ask yourself why you dont like your oldest. Does she remind you of someone whom you dislike? And try not to beat yourself up about it. She may do things that annoy you hopefully you still love her the same as a you do with your youngest. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-181 Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:56:55 +0000 tiredmommie 181@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>couldn't have said it better myself brothatech. onlikia, u need to be a woman and take responsibility and accountability for urself. stop waiting on ur boyfriend to do something wrong so u can play the victim. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=92#post-180 Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:40:34 +0000 tiredmommie 180@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>i know it's a terrible thing to say, but i don't think i like my oldest child. she's 8 and the youngest is 5. most things the oldest does simply irritate me. the youngest i want to be with most of the time. i don't want to feel this way, but i can't shake it. any thoughts or words of wisdom? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=91#post-178 Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:53:44 +0000 2boys1girl 178@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>An old friend of mine mentioned that there was a topic discussed on the Tyra Show that related to couples "hooking up" through websites designed for something different. I'm not sure if it was this site or not but there's something disturbing about that to me but then again if it has happened, I don't know the circumstances so I'm not judging. Just curious... </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=78#post-177 Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:40:54 +0000 2boys1girl 177@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Wow! Good stuff. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=90#post-176 Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:27:56 +0000 soralupilor 176@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Are you interested in contributing to the growing body of research on what it means to be a mother? If you are, please participate in our study on the inner lives of mothers sponsored by Columbia University's Teachers College. This online survey takes about 30-45 minutes to complete and is completely anonymous. Results of this survey are to be included in a book called "Who Mothers Mommy?" If you would like a preview of findings we’ve got thus far – from over 2,000 moms – you’ll have the option of including your email address on the last page of this survey. </p> <p>Please follow this link to take part or to find out more information:<br /> <a href="http://www.momsaspeople.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.momsaspeople.com/</a> </p> <p>Thank you! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=78#post-175 Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:03:10 +0000 BrothaTech 175@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Two resources for you:</p> <p>1. Small Business Administration - tons of FREE business recourses...may even lead to some FREE money for you guys <a href="http://www.sba.gov/" rel="nofollow">http://www.sba.gov/</a></p> <p>2. Wordpress - FREE blog software that will enable you to start your own blog/website (yes, it is easy to do) <a href="http://wordpress.com/" rel="nofollow">http://wordpress.com/</a></p> <p>Did I mention they are FREE?</p> <p>No excuses...JUST DO IT! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-174 Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:07:17 +0000 BrothaTech 174@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p><em>"...I guess I feel that if you are not happy and you have lost the will power to try and make your relationship work, then why cheat just leave."</em></p> <p>If YOU have lost the will power to try and make YOUR relationship work, then why sit under somebody just for the sake of being under somebody and just leave? </p> <p>...at least homeboy is trying to make himself some sort of happy...You on the other hand sound like you are cool with being stuck on relationship standby. Why are you waiting on him to make the first move? TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, when he does make or hints at making a move that you don't agree with...he is the bad guy? You know what you have to do,you already said you both have pulled away from each other, but again, you are waiting on somebody else to make you happy (which is prolly why you two are unhappy in the first place) </p> <p>*did I say that last part aloud*</p> <p>"I am the master of my fate, the captian of my soul" &lt;----just a little something from me to you! USE IT! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-173 Sun, 25 Oct 2009 01:01:19 +0000 YolandaMichelle 173@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Onlikia...I thought the site was black and married with kids...and u have a questions about your boyfriend?????...enough said after 9 years. Ask this question after you have been MARRIED for nine years!!! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=77#post-172 Fri, 23 Oct 2009 22:07:16 +0000 chrisandraw 172@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>It's me again. Anyone in the NY/NJ area we are going to a Halloween party. Visit the site for details. <a href="http://www.meetup.com/marriedblackcouplesunited" rel="nofollow">www.meetup.com/marriedblackcouplesunited</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=82#post-171 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:15:19 +0000 2boys1girl 171@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I'm so sorry I missed this. I regretfully have not checked the show out yet but I do want to support it. Thanks! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=89#post-170 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:11:25 +0000 2boys1girl 170@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Are things basically the same whether you grew up in the 60s, 70s, 80s vs. now??? If not, what do you think is different? </p> <p>You could probably actually think of several similarities and differences if you really thought about it. One similarity I can think of is "hand-me-downs"... still going strong. </p> <p>A big difference would be outside play vs. these dang video games!!! I'm not knocking video games (and I realize that a lot of children still do appreciate just being outside)but sun up to sun down play (including kickball, freeze tag, jump rope, dodge ball, football, hand games, card games, made up games and wherever little minds can take you during a day and yes, "freaky friday") beats video games any day in my book! </p> <p>What are some of the things you miss from "back in the day"? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=78#post-169 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:54:16 +0000 rd2peace 169@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>We're working on website possibilities. :-) </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=88#post-168 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:48:37 +0000 rd2peace 168@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Hello,</p> <p>I'd like to know how I can change my username. Also, can posts be deleted by the user?</p> <p>Thanks!<br /> Rd2peace </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=87#post-167 Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:50:51 +0000 Juwar74 167@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I thought folks might be interested in a site my sister directed me to. It's interesting and indicative of the strength of black families. <a href="http://www.oneblackfamily.com" rel="nofollow">www.oneblackfamily.com</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=86#post-166 Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:54:10 +0000 Damali 166@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I agree with Determined but I must add that I'm sure your feelings are being fueled by coming home to a second shift - that to me is not cool. Husband needs to realize that taking care of the home and the kids is a job that he can and should be doing right now. Being the at-home spouse/parent is not easy but, like any job, when well done it can be very rewarding and may help him feel better about himself. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=62#post-165 Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:14:57 +0000 Determined1 165@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I havent read anything so upfront and so true in such a long time!! Every female should read this and apply this to their life. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=86#post-164 Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:52:11 +0000 Determined1 164@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I can totally relate to your situation. I too, am married and my husband isnt working and I know how frustrating it can be. But there are some things that you can do to make the situation a little better. For instance, you have to find time for yourself!!Go for walks or read a good book, but you must find time to reflect and pray. Do something that will help you feel good cause your positive mood will then make him feel good also.<br /> And also you have to realize that he got fired which means that he his hurting also. I can see if he quit but he got fired and he didnt have any control over that so you two have to learn to pull together and come to some type of resolution. Tell him how you feel and what you want from him and vice versa. Or you can help him look for jobs also. As for how long should one be supportive, well thats totally up to you but if you do decide to be supportive for another year or ten more years make sure you dont lash out on him cause it was your decision. We all have our breaking point. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=86#post-163 Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:38:27 +0000 dezinicole 163@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I am a mid-30's female, married, with three kids. My husband and i had always thought of ourselves as the typical middle-class family until recently. Both my husband and I have always held full-time jobs. My husband, however has always been the "breadwinner" of the family. Last December my husband was laid off from his generous paying job. Intially we were ok, as we had a little bit of savings tucked away. The savings went quickly, my husband did not qualify for unemployment, and here we are almost a year later and still no job. At first my husband went through a period of depression which lasted a couple of weeks, but he picked himself up and dusted himself off and started to look for work. As time passed, it seemed to me that he stopped looking as hard. I maintained my job which just managed to cover our bills and living expenses(after a few necessary lifestyle changes) and took as much overtime as possible to make ends meet....Here's the problem...I have tried to be encouraging and understanding but how long do I continue like this. We have two children who are not yet school age. When I was pregnant with our last child I stayed home with the baby for eight months until I voluntarily decided to go back to work. Although we both decided that my staying home was the best arrangement for our family at that time, my husband always uses this as an excuse as to why I CAN'T complain about his not working("You were home for eight months and I didn't say a thing"). I work at night three times a week, 7am-7pm, and when I get home, I am welcomed by dishes piled high, kids unkept, and the house a wreck! I usually end up coming home from work only to begin at second shift at home. I am physically exhausted and mentally drained! I have tried to discuss with my husband that I need his help and also that perhaps he should stop waiting for this six figure salary job to magically appear and get a JOB...ANY JOB---he seems to only look for jobs similar to what he used to do. He either claims that he is actively looking and no one is hiring or that his losing his job has been traumatic...he has lost his way and just needs to get his footing. I have so much resentment towards my husband at this time. Our relationship has been greatly affected, including our sex life, which by the way had already been strained. He accuses me of looking at him as less of a man now that he has lost his job...sadly enough I think he maybe right. I want to be supportive, but i am hurting in so many ways. I feel so run down...I am constantly sick. I used to be so proud that everyone always mistook me for a person in her late teens, early twenties; No one has done that in awhile!...I feel defeated. How long should one be supportive of their unemployed spouse?...Any thoughts are welcome. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-162 Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:02:28 +0000 jazz1eme 162@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I have been married for 14 years and truly believe there is no justification for cheating. You take vows and make covenant with "God", not just with each other, that you won't. </p> <p>Most times when people cheat, it's an underlying issue with themselves and not their mate. Cheating is a selfish act that most want to justify as someone elses problem and not their own.</p> <p>Most will only bring up that something was missing from the relationship until after the act has been done. They won't take it upon themselves to reach out to their mate and let them know the relationship is lacking something. That something may be something they're causing and may not be aware of it. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=85#post-161 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:47:53 +0000 Damali 161@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>so sorry for the situation you are in. I can't help but wonder if your husband is sloppy or really wants you to find out about his outside activities. Maybe he is trying to force your hand. Also it is hard to imagine that he is paying other women's bills without any intimacy between them beyond emotional. Please be safe. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-160 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 12:49:33 +0000 creative75 160@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>But the question is "Is there any justification for cheating?". I don't care what your not getting or feel you need. Cheating is never the answer. Just leave! My friend has herpes now from her husband's affairs. He also has an 8 year old child that he just found out about and is paying $815/month in child support. This has rocked their home tremendously! They've been married 20 years. She is distaught with sadness but very religious and won't leave. He's supposedly just as religious so they weren't unequally yolked in that aspect. The two affairs that created the child and the herpes situation occured while they were separated due to military demand. She and I do not believe that those are the only affairs he's had though. So some men are just gonna be cheaters no matter what you do. I just wish she didn't have to suffer so much. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=81#post-159 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:50:47 +0000 creative75 159@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Dealing with some of that now and have in the past also. My self esteem dropped so low. But at least you have other options right now. I don't at the moment. I'm working on it but with no job I can't leave. I have no where to go. He's got me right where he wants me and is taking full advantage. I used to let it tear me down but now I feel so much better about myself. I would like things to change. Maybe they will before I decide to leave. No one deserves to be treated like this. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=85#post-158 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:29:40 +0000 creative75 158@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>HELP!!! My husband of almost twelve years (two kids) has had several emotional affairs throughout our marriage. However, he doesn't consider them affairs cause he claims he never slept with any of the women. And he always gets sloppy and tells on himself by accidently leaving out the other woman's phone bill he's been paying or leaving his email account open. I told him he is in denial and that my trust in him is gone. I asked for access to his phone records from now on and he is refusing. Even telling me that it's really all my fault because I won't loose my baby weight and since opting to be a stay home mom, I don't have his back when the money is low. So in his eyes he is justified. Well, here is the problem. I don't think there is ever a reason to cheat, no matter what. But I can't even get him to see that he is actually cheating even if there is no sex. Since he is putting up such a fight about his phone bill and telling me it's my fault, I guess that means he is still doing it and has no plans on stopping. I honestly don't think he will stop even if I loose weight and go to work. He has the heart to cheat. And since in his eyes he's not cheating, should I assume the worst? Should I leave him now or give him what he wants and let him hang himself? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=81#post-157 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:26:48 +0000 dezinicole 157@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I am currently in a similar situation. I feel for you. After many years of my husband's erratic behavior, I found that my husband is suffering from narcisstic personality disorder(some of the things you mention sound similar). If you can, read up on this topic. It has helped me to know that I am not alone and there are things that can be done to help you to leave or help the relationship if you decide to stay. I am a firm believer that God can change any situation. I will be praying for you. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=81#post-156 Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:16:39 +0000 Damali 156@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I went thru this &#38; more with my 1st husband so my heart is heavy for you. I pray that you will find the strength to do what is best for you and your family. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=84#post-155 Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:58:59 +0000 tareekakelly 155@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>We Have The Best Time Together, But Why Doesn't He Call Me After Our Dates?</p> <p>A frustrated female blogger "TT" posed this question in a chat; "I have been dating this guy for about 10 weeks and everything is going well, we vibe really well and we and have a good time together whenever we go out to the movies, dinner and bowling. At the Boy's To Men concert we really had a blast, but the next day he didn't call, and the day after that, I wanted to call him but I just knew he was going to call so I didn't, as a matter of fact it was 3 days later before I heard from him. He called as if nothing had happened and never made mention of the fact that he had been MIA for 3 whole days. By then I was confused and a little angry, I know I probably have no right to be angry, I tried to act normal and I probably pulled it off but I want to know what that is about? and how should I deal with it? I am not built like that, I need to hear from my man on a regular basis, I like this guy but I am confused. Why do guys do that?</p> <p>Well first mistake; 10 weeks into the hook-up and "TT" is subliminally programmed to thinking, therefore referring to him as "my man". She is feeling insecure and needs to be reinforced by her new dating partner; nothing wrong there, but does a handful of dates make a "date" your man? and the language; MIA sounds more like AWOL. Sound clingy to you?</p> <p>This is that stage of the relationship where men are extremely careful about their language and their behavior; it is critical that you listen carefully and make mental notes also pay extreme attention to their actions.</p> <p>There are 3 KINDS OF MEN</p> <p>THE HITMAN: He wants to hit it as soon as possible so he pulls out all the stops, he will say and do anything you need him to say or do, he is agreeable to any terms you suggest except any that will stop him from accomplishing his objective. He only intention is to persuade you to go along with his agenda in any way possible. This one is easy to see through his story is usually all fabricated to suit his opinion of you. if you are needy he will be extremely attentive and patient, any information he can glean from your words or actions will become ammunition to use against you to accomplish his short term goal. Be patient with all men and mostly with yourself, their true character will eventually play out for you to see. </p> <p>THE USER: He is looking to get involved in a short term , stop gap relationship with you; something that he can wiggle out of as soon as he is tired it or you; his language is usually much more diplomatic and slippery. He might seem to be the the most honest of the 3 because he is willing to disclose that he is dating other people and he wants to be "open and honest": this one is planning to use you and discard you when he becomes tired or distracted by something more attractive or interesting. Be careful, sometimes this guy will seem like he has long term intentions but he is not planning to stick around for more than 6 months to year or for as long as it takes for you to start asking for a commitment. The language he uses is usually loaded with "escape clauses"; clauses filled with ways to get out of the relationship backdoor or front door, and if you fall for them, he will surely use them when the time comes for him to exit. " I don't want to get into anything serious right now", "I am just getting out of a bad relationship and I want to take my time", "Let's keep dating other people until we are sure of where we want to take this relationship" "I work a lot and my job sometimes take me out of town and that was a big problem in my last relationship we had space issues, I hope we won't have that problem because I really like you a lot". When a man is genuinely interested in a woman as a long term prospect he is erratic and usually overcome with anxiety about her whereabouts when he can't be with her, there is no possibility of him encouraging her to date another man while he sits home and wonders if she is getting it on. On the other hand if he just wants to get some play time without getting stuck with the tab or reputation of being her man then surely he can stomach her being some other man's responsibility. Pay attention, Seems like Mr. Fun is playing "TT" wide; in other words he is making sure that she doesn't do exactly what she is doing now: which is trying to play him too close. By not calling her too often he frustrates her early on in the relationship and gets her properly trained in keeping her distance and not becoming too dependent on his presence, it seems like he is giving her a deliberate taste of what's to come, while smiling and playing Mr. Fun-guy. He may truly like her company but he intends for her to play a limited role in his game plan, he will reach out to her when he is ready for her to play that role. </p> <p>THE MAN: Not much is there to be said about the man who is "stricken" by a woman who he believes could be "the One": he is a walking bag of nerves. She can wrap him around pinky or thumb or wear him like a glove. His language is similar to the "One Night bandit" but the difference is he is willing to prove his Metal and he will allow you to put him through the necessary steps to qualify him and validate his words as his true intentions. He is open to scrutiny and full disclosure. He will be anxious for you to meet the important significant people in his life: his parents, his kids, his true friends. He is gold, but gold is made pure by purging it with fire. Don't be afraid ask the tough questions and demand validation. Resist the urges and bad habits that didn't work in your last relationships, if not, you will repeat the same stages in your life until you learn the lessons that your experiences are meant to teach you. </p> <p>Resist being clingy..</p> <p>Stay within your comfort zone, ask tough necessary questions early in the dating stages.</p> <p>Never make yourself an easy target.</p> <p>Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get. </p> <p>Declare an alternate agenda other than your need for a man: something that you are on an existing path to elevate the quality of your life. </p> <p>Reference topics that sell you as the "long term" girl; education, home, family, travel, spirituality.</p> <p>Be about what you want in your life.</p> <p>Attract him by being worthy. </p> <p>Pick My Book and learn more about The men you desire.<br /> "Why The Hell Cant I Find A Good Man? from a man's point of view at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1254840220&#38;sr=1-1" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1254840220&#38;sr=1-1</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=83#post-154 Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:32:17 +0000 Dee 154@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Hi Thommie:</p> <p>First off, if you are a woman of faith, pray and fast for your relationship to strengthen. It seems like weight issues can often be a sore spot in a relationship. These kind of issues can often lead to a lack of sexual attention. I think that first and foremost if you want to lose weight you have to do it for you, and not for the sake of anything or anyone else but you. If you are not as healthy as you could be then you have to take responsibility for that, simply because the longer that you live healthily the more that you can positively influence those in your immediate surroundings and beyond (Kids, Spouse, Siblings, Parents etc). These people need you and love you, just as much as you need and love them. This same argument goes for your husband as well. I have personally experienced when people attempt to lose weight for the wrong reason (I have done personal training for number of years). When people try to lose weight for competition, vanity, or to try to gain more interest from others, it seems that the diet and workout program often end in failure and sometimes there is even additional weight gain from their original starting point. Now more directly to your question, I don’t feel that I am qualified to give you an answer other than you both need to immediately seek professional counseling, because if you are not sharing physical love with each other, then this is a significant indicator that this and possibly other issues in your relationship need to be addressed and resolved. I will submit to you that if you both come together and decide to become more healthy as a couple and put it before god and work at it together without competition then you will have a better chance at success. Here is another thing to think about: You and your husband both should consult your personal physician and get a check up, to see if either of you have any health issues that need to be addressed. There could be health issues that have attributed to your weight gain, and there could be health issues BECAUSE of your weight gain. But if nothing else you can establish a baseline of your current health which is the best option for a place to start. You see in my opinion there is no right or wrong in this, only the desire to get to the best place you can be physically, emotionally and spiritually as individuals and as a couple. God Bless. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=83#post-153 Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:33:02 +0000 Anonymous 153@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My husband and I have been married for 10 years. During that time I have gained 60 pounds while my husband has gained 80. I realize that I need to lose weight and get healthy not only for me but for the sake of our 2 small children, however, there's a dilemna. My husband won't have sex with me because I'm fat. We have gone as long as 15 months without sex before. When I mentioned it to him, he scoffed and accused me of lying and called me crazy because "nobody keeps track of how much sex they have except you!" He honestly thought I had just made that timeline up...which tells me that sex with me is so low on the priority list that it doesn't even cross his mind. </p> <p>He has made several half-successful attempts at losing weight. I say "half-successful" because he starts out strong and loses weight but then he starts messing up on his diet and exercise and gains it all back. I'm always supportive of him when he does diet. I make him healthy meals and snacks and make sure that he has time to hit the gym everyday. However, when I diet the first words out of his mouth are "bet I lose more weight than you do!" Of course he will with me making it possible for him to succeed!!! </p> <p>He has told me "I told you not to get fat when we got married and that if you gained too much weight that I wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." Even though he has said that to me, I feel it's unfair because I don't love him any less because he gained weight. I understand the whole "men are visual" piece, but I don't feel that I deserve to be sexually neglected. I will admit that I have not made any serious attempts to lose weight recently because I feel like if sex is the carrot that you dangle in my face to get me to submit, then I'll just have carrot cake instead. I mean, I love my husband but even when I lose weight I will still be having sex with the same person and he's not that skilled to be making demands. I'm starting to convince myself that the destination isn't worth the journey. I know that is a self-defeating attitude so I need to work on that. However, when I do lose the weight it won't be to regain the attention of my husband at this point, but rather to get the attention of others to spark jealousy. And if he starts panting for me again once I lose the weight then how do I react to that?!? How do I feel secure in a relationship that is so conditional?</p> <p>I told him one day that he has to realize that everyone doesn't look at me and see a fat slob like he does but I still ignore advances from others because I'm waiting to get that attention from him but I'm wondering if it's worth it. I'm a beautiful girl who is told that regularly from an array of people, regardless of my size so it's not like I have to be skinny to me cute. From this whole experience, I feel that marriage love is not unconditional and can never be. </p> <p>So, tell me, who's wrong here? Him for holding out on me or me for not making the effort to provide what he wants to see? PLEASE HELP!?!?!? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=2#post-152 Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:38:38 +0000 Dee 152@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I met my wife in a Human Sexuality class in college. </p>