http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ Blackandmarriedwithkids.com Forums: Recent Topics en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:13:23 +0000 http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=64#post-109 Fri, 20 Mar 2009 03:03:29 +0000 Onlikia 109@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I've been with my boyfriend for a while (9 years), and he and I have problems and have not been happy for sometime, but we still love eachother. We've basically gotten fed up with the problems in our relationship and sort of pulled away from one another (emotionally that is). Basically we've stopped trying to make one another happy. So we're just co-existing. However, when my boyfriend and I do discuss the issues in our relationship, the conversation ends with him making the statement "Well if you are not having sex with me then what do you expect me to do?" Which suggest that if he's not sexually happy within the relationship, then he's justified to cheat on me.</p> <p>So I'm wondering if anyone is really justified to cheat on someone if that person isn't happy? I guess I feel that if you are not happy and you have lost the will power to try and make your relationship work, then why cheat just leave. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=2#post-2 Sun, 12 Oct 2008 19:36:08 +0000 TheDad 2@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>How did you meet your spouse? A hookup, church, in da club? Let us know. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=92#post-180 Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:40:34 +0000 tiredmommie 180@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>i know it's a terrible thing to say, but i don't think i like my oldest child. she's 8 and the youngest is 5. most things the oldest does simply irritate me. the youngest i want to be with most of the time. i don't want to feel this way, but i can't shake it. any thoughts or words of wisdom? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=91#post-178 Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:53:44 +0000 2boys1girl 178@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>An old friend of mine mentioned that there was a topic discussed on the Tyra Show that related to couples "hooking up" through websites designed for something different. I'm not sure if it was this site or not but there's something disturbing about that to me but then again if it has happened, I don't know the circumstances so I'm not judging. Just curious... </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=78#post-142 Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:29:37 +0000 rd2peace 142@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My hubby has never been a "9 to 5" kind of guy. He's full of insight and ideas on almost any topic and he's actually helped people in his life/our lives make major, meaningful decisions. The problem with his quest to become an entrepeneur is financial and maybe some fear of success (if that makes sense). Of course from time to time you get plagued with the feeling of "everybody else is doing the same thing". His dream is to produce a magazine in the community (accompanied by a website) that highlights school kids from elementary to high school who are doing well in all areas: academic, community service, sports, etc. We're tired of seeing "our" kids portrayed in a negative or limited light. Instead of the sports stars that we constantly see, he wants to highlight the children that are making a difference as whole, well-rounded individuals. This recognition will certainly go a long way with boosting the esteem of the individuals recognized, motivating other kids in the community and promoting that sense of self worth that is non-existent a lot of the times. We still of course celebrate those kids doing well in sports and don't want to take anything away from that. However, we need our children to give an answer other than "I want to be a professional football or basketball player" when asked. Or, maybe "I want to be a professional player.....and also...". We both feel that if we had had a better foundation or some kind of outreach, our lives today would be different. He has a business plan and the initial paperwork in order. We're currently looking for sponsorship, networking or at least some guidance from anyone else out there doing the same thing. We know that jump starting a business, especially in today's economy is going to be a long road. He's ready to travel and I'm right here with him. Any feedback is appreciated. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=90#post-176 Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:27:56 +0000 soralupilor 176@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Are you interested in contributing to the growing body of research on what it means to be a mother? If you are, please participate in our study on the inner lives of mothers sponsored by Columbia University's Teachers College. This online survey takes about 30-45 minutes to complete and is completely anonymous. Results of this survey are to be included in a book called "Who Mothers Mommy?" If you would like a preview of findings we’ve got thus far – from over 2,000 moms – you’ll have the option of including your email address on the last page of this survey. </p> <p>Please follow this link to take part or to find out more information:<br /> <a href="http://www.momsaspeople.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.momsaspeople.com/</a> </p> <p>Thank you! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=77#post-139 Wed, 19 Aug 2009 15:25:27 +0000 chrisandraw 139@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Hello,<br /> My name is Chrisandra Wells-Lester. I am the founder of MBCU-Married Black Couples United-based in New York City. </p> <p>The primary purpose of this start up organization is to congregate with other married Black couples, while enjoying various activities. Let's establish a community face-to-face. If anyone is interested please visit <a href="http://www.meetup.com/marriedblackcouplesunited" rel="nofollow">www.meetup.com/marriedblackcouplesunited</a> . You may join our group, and perhaps RSVP for our first event which will include a Stand up comedy show hosted by my better half! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=82#post-150 Wed, 30 Sep 2009 07:00:47 +0000 FancastFan 150@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Hi all, thought you might like to know that Michael Strahan and Daryl "Chill" Mitchell of "Brothers" will be online taking your questions in a live chat on Fancast on Wednesday, Sept. 30 at 7:30 pm ET/4:30 pm PT.</p> <p><a href="http://www.fancast.com/blogs/live-chat/live-chat-with-brothers-stars-michael-strahan-daryl-chill-mitchell/" rel="nofollow">http://www.fancast.com/blogs/live-chat/live-chat-with-brothers-stars-michael-strahan-daryl-chill-mitchell/</a></p> <p>Please stop by to chat with the guys about their Fox show and what you like and dislike about it.</p> <p>Cheers,<br /> Jim (for Fancast) </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=89#post-170 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:11:25 +0000 2boys1girl 170@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Are things basically the same whether you grew up in the 60s, 70s, 80s vs. now??? If not, what do you think is different? </p> <p>You could probably actually think of several similarities and differences if you really thought about it. One similarity I can think of is "hand-me-downs"... still going strong. </p> <p>A big difference would be outside play vs. these dang video games!!! I'm not knocking video games (and I realize that a lot of children still do appreciate just being outside)but sun up to sun down play (including kickball, freeze tag, jump rope, dodge ball, football, hand games, card games, made up games and wherever little minds can take you during a day and yes, "freaky friday") beats video games any day in my book! </p> <p>What are some of the things you miss from "back in the day"? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=88#post-168 Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:48:37 +0000 rd2peace 168@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Hello,</p> <p>I'd like to know how I can change my username. Also, can posts be deleted by the user?</p> <p>Thanks!<br /> Rd2peace </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=87#post-167 Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:50:51 +0000 Juwar74 167@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I thought folks might be interested in a site my sister directed me to. It's interesting and indicative of the strength of black families. <a href="http://www.oneblackfamily.com" rel="nofollow">www.oneblackfamily.com</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=86#post-163 Sat, 17 Oct 2009 06:38:27 +0000 dezinicole 163@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I am a mid-30's female, married, with three kids. My husband and i had always thought of ourselves as the typical middle-class family until recently. Both my husband and I have always held full-time jobs. My husband, however has always been the "breadwinner" of the family. Last December my husband was laid off from his generous paying job. Intially we were ok, as we had a little bit of savings tucked away. The savings went quickly, my husband did not qualify for unemployment, and here we are almost a year later and still no job. At first my husband went through a period of depression which lasted a couple of weeks, but he picked himself up and dusted himself off and started to look for work. As time passed, it seemed to me that he stopped looking as hard. I maintained my job which just managed to cover our bills and living expenses(after a few necessary lifestyle changes) and took as much overtime as possible to make ends meet....Here's the problem...I have tried to be encouraging and understanding but how long do I continue like this. We have two children who are not yet school age. When I was pregnant with our last child I stayed home with the baby for eight months until I voluntarily decided to go back to work. Although we both decided that my staying home was the best arrangement for our family at that time, my husband always uses this as an excuse as to why I CAN'T complain about his not working("You were home for eight months and I didn't say a thing"). I work at night three times a week, 7am-7pm, and when I get home, I am welcomed by dishes piled high, kids unkept, and the house a wreck! I usually end up coming home from work only to begin at second shift at home. I am physically exhausted and mentally drained! I have tried to discuss with my husband that I need his help and also that perhaps he should stop waiting for this six figure salary job to magically appear and get a JOB...ANY JOB---he seems to only look for jobs similar to what he used to do. He either claims that he is actively looking and no one is hiring or that his losing his job has been traumatic...he has lost his way and just needs to get his footing. I have so much resentment towards my husband at this time. Our relationship has been greatly affected, including our sex life, which by the way had already been strained. He accuses me of looking at him as less of a man now that he has lost his job...sadly enough I think he maybe right. I want to be supportive, but i am hurting in so many ways. I feel so run down...I am constantly sick. I used to be so proud that everyone always mistook me for a person in her late teens, early twenties; No one has done that in awhile!...I feel defeated. How long should one be supportive of their unemployed spouse?...Any thoughts are welcome. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=62#post-107 Tue, 17 Mar 2009 09:46:41 +0000 Kalani 107@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>TIPS FOR WOMEN</p> <p>I wrote this March 2006. This information was born out of the frustrations I felt as I watched family members and friends make the same mistakes over and over as to how they dealt with men. Also, at the time I wrote this, I had been a father (for the first time) only for 9 months to a beautiful baby girl. I thought about the challenges she would face when she started dating. WARNING - I am a direct and honest person. You may be offended by some of what you read below. I love women. I think they are the best thing on earth. I am concerned about how our young women (some older ones as well) relate to men. This past Sunday my wife, daughter and I were at IHOP. I watched this young lady (apparently with her little girl) sitting across the booth from these two guys. The two guys befriended the little girl. I could see clear as day that these guys really did not care about this little girl. The goal was simply to eventually get this young woman somewhere with her clothes off and her feet behind her ears. I feel this way because when she walked into the restaurant I heard one guy say “look at them tits.” The other guy turned around and said “damn!!”</p> <p>The guys flattered the little girl and then starting flirting with the young lady. We were there for about 35 minutes. At the end of the meal the young woman gave her phone number (I don’t know if it was her real number or not) to two total strangers. I may be wrong, but I think the tips below will minimize your chances of being hurt, sick, and pregnant with no husband or on the evening news dead.</p> <p>•Respect yourself and demand respect. A man will treat you how you allow him to treat you.</p> <p>•Have your stuff together, i.e. your finances, job and education. A man can smell low self-esteem better than a shark can smell blood in the water.</p> <p>•Never give out your phone number. Take his number. Block your number because as soon as you call him, he knows your number.</p> <p>•Better yet, why not give him your email address. You can easily block\control who you receive emails from.</p> <p>•Meet in public places.</p> <p>•Drive your own car and park in the back. He does not need to know what type of car you drive or your tag number.</p> <p>•Bring your own money on the date and a fully charged cell phone.</p> <p>•Let at least two friends know where you are going and the name of your date.</p> <p>•Ask lots of questions. Know who you are dealing with. Has he been married before, does he have children?</p> <p>•Research the guy online at the sex offender websites.</p> <p><a href="http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm" rel="nofollow">http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm</a></p> <p>•If you have children wait until you are really serious about this person before exposing him to your child. Don’t bring so many men around your child so that he or she feels frequently abandoned.</p> <p>•If you are going to have sex with him, wait until you have known him for at least 90 days.</p> <p>•Demand\require a recent, valid report from a health clinic showing that he has no STD’s…ask for another report every 90 days.</p> <p>•Always use protection.</p> <p>•If you start thinking about a long-term relationship or possibly more, please watch how he interacts with his friends and family. Definitely watch how he interacts with his parents. How he treats these people can be a great indicator as to how he will treat you.</p> <p>•I know women will say “how about the man, what are his responsibilities?”</p> <p>I say:</p> <p>•How many young men have you seen with a child standing at the bus stop in the rain or when it’s cold or hot as hell outside???</p> <p>•How many men are in shelters for battered men?</p> <p>•How many men have complications during child birth?</p> <p>•How many men die during childbirth?</p> <p>•How many men do you see standing in long lines applying for public assistance?</p> <p>•How many straight, never had a blood transfusion, non drug using, monogamous women are dying of aids? They got sick somehow. Perhaps from that man that they really did not know, but had sex with him any way because he was fine or cute or they did not want to loose him to some other idiot.</p> <p>•There is absolutely no difference between infected bodily fluids from a cute\fine man and an average Joe with a beer gut. Have some self-respect, keep your clothes on. If you need help, go to the home depot, buy some rope and tie it around your knees.</p> <p>•After he is done probing your body, money and refrigerator; often times the man will throw you aside like a used tissue. He is off to wreck some other fools life.</p> <p>I know it can be hard; men (women as well) can be very crafty. However, you must exercise self respect, control and discipline. I went to high school (grades 9-12) in Hawaii. Here I was a teenager with hormones going crazy, beautiful women walking around with bathing suits on (even in grocery stores) and offering themselves to me. I turned them down. I was told “you must be gay.” Of course I wasn’t gay. I just listened to what my parents told me plus I thought about my future.</p> <p>My parents said, “One mistake with a girl can have life long consequences. Before you do something stupid, ask yourself do you want to be forever linked to this girl?” Also, I had a Trans-Am with a big engine that required refilling often. I was only making $25 a week cutting grass. How in the hell was I going to provide for a baby and put gas in my car on $25 a week. I already had a baby and that was my car.</p> <p>True story and then I’ll get off of my soapbox:</p> <p>I use to work at Goodwill. I met a nice young lady there that was trying to get her life together. She was 25 years old and a single mother. She and her daughter lived in a shelter. She walked with a very pronounced limp. She told me about a party she went to six years prior. She met a guy there, thought he was cute. They went out outside behind the club. Leaning against a tree, she tried drugs for the first time in her life. The guy then started putting his hands up her dress. She told him to stop, but he did not. After all of the drugs she could not put up much of a fight. He raped her. She ran away and out into the street and was hit by a car.</p> <p>The morale of the story: we all make mistakes, but we have to constantly be extra careful because we never know when that one mistake will impact us the rest of our lives.</p> <p>You are a total fool if you do not take care of yourself…bottom line.</p> <p>John L. Jones<br /> <a href="mailto:johnlovescomputers@gmail.com">johnlovescomputers@gmail.com</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=85#post-158 Wed, 14 Oct 2009 11:29:40 +0000 creative75 158@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>HELP!!! My husband of almost twelve years (two kids) has had several emotional affairs throughout our marriage. However, he doesn't consider them affairs cause he claims he never slept with any of the women. And he always gets sloppy and tells on himself by accidently leaving out the other woman's phone bill he's been paying or leaving his email account open. I told him he is in denial and that my trust in him is gone. I asked for access to his phone records from now on and he is refusing. Even telling me that it's really all my fault because I won't loose my baby weight and since opting to be a stay home mom, I don't have his back when the money is low. So in his eyes he is justified. Well, here is the problem. I don't think there is ever a reason to cheat, no matter what. But I can't even get him to see that he is actually cheating even if there is no sex. Since he is putting up such a fight about his phone bill and telling me it's my fault, I guess that means he is still doing it and has no plans on stopping. I honestly don't think he will stop even if I loose weight and go to work. He has the heart to cheat. And since in his eyes he's not cheating, should I assume the worst? Should I leave him now or give him what he wants and let him hang himself? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=81#post-149 Mon, 21 Sep 2009 21:05:52 +0000 mrsmclean04 149@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 15. We were high school sweethearts.<br /> We have an 11 year old and I am pregnant with our second baby. Before we were married we did a lot of things together. He spent a lot of time with us. Once we were married he started to stay out all night or coming in very late. It's all pretty much the same to me...disrespectful! In the beginning of our marriage I was devastated, depressed hurt you name it. I didn’t have the confidence to get over him and ask him to leave. Mainly because I couldn’t believe that this was the same person. Anyways he would come home after being out all night and tell me some bogus story about something happening to his car, he got locked up, he fell asleep over a friends. You name it I have heard it. Yes, I know they are lies because they are highly detailed and exaggerated. So at first I would cry, blow his phone up (he wouldn’t answer) and was just a mess. I went back to times of saying " I would never deal with my husband doing xyz" Boy is it different when you are in those shoes. As time went on I stopped asking where he was, didn’t call or anything because I was tired of him lying. I have told him how I felt about him not coming home, I have pleaded and everything. My daughter at 11 is ready for him to leave because she says “mommy you deserve so much better”. I have stayed through cheating, you name it. Now 4 days before our 5th anniversary I am completely fed up and tired. For the past 5 days, he will come home late, call me and say I’ll see you in a few minutes then come home change and leave back out. Be gone all night. Yesterday he said that he would see me later this was at about 1pm. I didn’t hear anything from him all night. This morning I woke up he wasn’t there. I sent him a text saying “Don’t call me with stupid excuses and lies. This $hit is gone too far. Since your a$$ feels the need to stay out all night and not come home leave me the f%&#38;* alone I am sick of this. You can’t spend time with us but you can with others. I don’t want to talk to you so leave me the hell alone. Evidently you feel whats out there is better so stay there. I deserve a whole lot better. And I mean don’t email, text or call me I am sick of you and your bulls#$%.” Since then he has been calling me, emailing and texting. I have not answered any of it. I can’t take another day of this. Not only is it disrespectful to me and my daughter, my son that I am expecting needs a better model of a man than this. I am not afraid of raising my children alone in the least bit. They will not want for anything because I am the bread winner in the family. I am totally independent. So other than me just loving him and wanting him to be apart of raising out kids there is no other reason I see to keep him here. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=84#post-155 Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:58:59 +0000 tareekakelly 155@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>We Have The Best Time Together, But Why Doesn't He Call Me After Our Dates?</p> <p>A frustrated female blogger "TT" posed this question in a chat; "I have been dating this guy for about 10 weeks and everything is going well, we vibe really well and we and have a good time together whenever we go out to the movies, dinner and bowling. At the Boy's To Men concert we really had a blast, but the next day he didn't call, and the day after that, I wanted to call him but I just knew he was going to call so I didn't, as a matter of fact it was 3 days later before I heard from him. He called as if nothing had happened and never made mention of the fact that he had been MIA for 3 whole days. By then I was confused and a little angry, I know I probably have no right to be angry, I tried to act normal and I probably pulled it off but I want to know what that is about? and how should I deal with it? I am not built like that, I need to hear from my man on a regular basis, I like this guy but I am confused. Why do guys do that?</p> <p>Well first mistake; 10 weeks into the hook-up and "TT" is subliminally programmed to thinking, therefore referring to him as "my man". She is feeling insecure and needs to be reinforced by her new dating partner; nothing wrong there, but does a handful of dates make a "date" your man? and the language; MIA sounds more like AWOL. Sound clingy to you?</p> <p>This is that stage of the relationship where men are extremely careful about their language and their behavior; it is critical that you listen carefully and make mental notes also pay extreme attention to their actions.</p> <p>There are 3 KINDS OF MEN</p> <p>THE HITMAN: He wants to hit it as soon as possible so he pulls out all the stops, he will say and do anything you need him to say or do, he is agreeable to any terms you suggest except any that will stop him from accomplishing his objective. He only intention is to persuade you to go along with his agenda in any way possible. This one is easy to see through his story is usually all fabricated to suit his opinion of you. if you are needy he will be extremely attentive and patient, any information he can glean from your words or actions will become ammunition to use against you to accomplish his short term goal. Be patient with all men and mostly with yourself, their true character will eventually play out for you to see. </p> <p>THE USER: He is looking to get involved in a short term , stop gap relationship with you; something that he can wiggle out of as soon as he is tired it or you; his language is usually much more diplomatic and slippery. He might seem to be the the most honest of the 3 because he is willing to disclose that he is dating other people and he wants to be "open and honest": this one is planning to use you and discard you when he becomes tired or distracted by something more attractive or interesting. Be careful, sometimes this guy will seem like he has long term intentions but he is not planning to stick around for more than 6 months to year or for as long as it takes for you to start asking for a commitment. The language he uses is usually loaded with "escape clauses"; clauses filled with ways to get out of the relationship backdoor or front door, and if you fall for them, he will surely use them when the time comes for him to exit. " I don't want to get into anything serious right now", "I am just getting out of a bad relationship and I want to take my time", "Let's keep dating other people until we are sure of where we want to take this relationship" "I work a lot and my job sometimes take me out of town and that was a big problem in my last relationship we had space issues, I hope we won't have that problem because I really like you a lot". When a man is genuinely interested in a woman as a long term prospect he is erratic and usually overcome with anxiety about her whereabouts when he can't be with her, there is no possibility of him encouraging her to date another man while he sits home and wonders if she is getting it on. On the other hand if he just wants to get some play time without getting stuck with the tab or reputation of being her man then surely he can stomach her being some other man's responsibility. Pay attention, Seems like Mr. Fun is playing "TT" wide; in other words he is making sure that she doesn't do exactly what she is doing now: which is trying to play him too close. By not calling her too often he frustrates her early on in the relationship and gets her properly trained in keeping her distance and not becoming too dependent on his presence, it seems like he is giving her a deliberate taste of what's to come, while smiling and playing Mr. Fun-guy. He may truly like her company but he intends for her to play a limited role in his game plan, he will reach out to her when he is ready for her to play that role. </p> <p>THE MAN: Not much is there to be said about the man who is "stricken" by a woman who he believes could be "the One": he is a walking bag of nerves. She can wrap him around pinky or thumb or wear him like a glove. His language is similar to the "One Night bandit" but the difference is he is willing to prove his Metal and he will allow you to put him through the necessary steps to qualify him and validate his words as his true intentions. He is open to scrutiny and full disclosure. He will be anxious for you to meet the important significant people in his life: his parents, his kids, his true friends. He is gold, but gold is made pure by purging it with fire. Don't be afraid ask the tough questions and demand validation. Resist the urges and bad habits that didn't work in your last relationships, if not, you will repeat the same stages in your life until you learn the lessons that your experiences are meant to teach you. </p> <p>Resist being clingy..</p> <p>Stay within your comfort zone, ask tough necessary questions early in the dating stages.</p> <p>Never make yourself an easy target.</p> <p>Don't play hard to get, BE hard to get. </p> <p>Declare an alternate agenda other than your need for a man: something that you are on an existing path to elevate the quality of your life. </p> <p>Reference topics that sell you as the "long term" girl; education, home, family, travel, spirituality.</p> <p>Be about what you want in your life.</p> <p>Attract him by being worthy. </p> <p>Pick My Book and learn more about The men you desire.<br /> "Why The Hell Cant I Find A Good Man? from a man's point of view at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1254840220&#38;sr=1-1" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1254840220&#38;sr=1-1</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=83#post-153 Mon, 05 Oct 2009 01:33:02 +0000 Anonymous 153@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My husband and I have been married for 10 years. During that time I have gained 60 pounds while my husband has gained 80. I realize that I need to lose weight and get healthy not only for me but for the sake of our 2 small children, however, there's a dilemna. My husband won't have sex with me because I'm fat. We have gone as long as 15 months without sex before. When I mentioned it to him, he scoffed and accused me of lying and called me crazy because "nobody keeps track of how much sex they have except you!" He honestly thought I had just made that timeline up...which tells me that sex with me is so low on the priority list that it doesn't even cross his mind. </p> <p>He has made several half-successful attempts at losing weight. I say "half-successful" because he starts out strong and loses weight but then he starts messing up on his diet and exercise and gains it all back. I'm always supportive of him when he does diet. I make him healthy meals and snacks and make sure that he has time to hit the gym everyday. However, when I diet the first words out of his mouth are "bet I lose more weight than you do!" Of course he will with me making it possible for him to succeed!!! </p> <p>He has told me "I told you not to get fat when we got married and that if you gained too much weight that I wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." Even though he has said that to me, I feel it's unfair because I don't love him any less because he gained weight. I understand the whole "men are visual" piece, but I don't feel that I deserve to be sexually neglected. I will admit that I have not made any serious attempts to lose weight recently because I feel like if sex is the carrot that you dangle in my face to get me to submit, then I'll just have carrot cake instead. I mean, I love my husband but even when I lose weight I will still be having sex with the same person and he's not that skilled to be making demands. I'm starting to convince myself that the destination isn't worth the journey. I know that is a self-defeating attitude so I need to work on that. However, when I do lose the weight it won't be to regain the attention of my husband at this point, but rather to get the attention of others to spark jealousy. And if he starts panting for me again once I lose the weight then how do I react to that?!? How do I feel secure in a relationship that is so conditional?</p> <p>I told him one day that he has to realize that everyone doesn't look at me and see a fat slob like he does but I still ignore advances from others because I'm waiting to get that attention from him but I'm wondering if it's worth it. I'm a beautiful girl who is told that regularly from an array of people, regardless of my size so it's not like I have to be skinny to me cute. From this whole experience, I feel that marriage love is not unconditional and can never be. </p> <p>So, tell me, who's wrong here? Him for holding out on me or me for not making the effort to provide what he wants to see? PLEASE HELP!?!?!? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=80#post-148 Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:55:15 +0000 tareekakelly 148@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Michael Eric Markland, author of<br /> "Why The Hell Can't I Find A Good Man???<br /> (...from a man's point of view)<br /> shares his views on "Relationship Baggage"..</p> <p>I am of the opinion that anger and bitterness experienced by women from past broken relationships create a serious barrier when they attempt to make the move to the next relationship. The carry-on-baggage can prove to be a real stumbling-block in the way of progress. This flight may never be cleared for take off. The 'chip' from past hurts is sometimes very evident in the language and posture of women attempting to start fresh. I believe that taking time to examine past failed relationships and the circumstances surrounding them, which led up to the parting of ways, is vital in clearing out and airing out the mistakes made. It is important to see the events from an objective perspective and be able to see the part you played in the demise of the relationship. The blame is usually not to be placed all on one person. It might be that you did not take enough time to screen your partner before you got intimately involved; I believe most mistakes are made at this stage of the relationship and many warning signs are ignored in the midst of the excitement of new fresh love. You cannot allow just any old lie to get by anymore, a man must make a concerted effort to come clean or lie profusely and prove that he is just that; a liar. You must follow proper protocol when you are considering getting involved with a man. After all most of the time, he is a total stranger. You need to gather enough information to make an informed decision before you enter into a partnership with this stranger. Stories need to be tested and actions should back up speech.</p> <p>A man's agenda operates on a totally different wavelength than a woman's; most men are making a bee-line for the honey while women are meandering their way towards the heart of the man. As always, you are the keeper of the Hive and the protector of the inner sanctuary. Passion and anxiety can cloud an otherwise clear strong mind but good sense must persist and overcome at all cost. The hypocrisy of it all is that as hard as he is pressing, he is hoping that you will hold out and make a difference so that he is forced to hold you to a higher standard, therefore he can justify choosing you as the one that made the difference. Even if it doesn't work out he will always have you high on the respect totem pole, for having stood for your character and for sticking to your morals. You never win by jumping in. This is like double-dutch if you don't time it right you may get hit in the head with the rope. Remember men and women speak distinctly different languages and so do not be afraid to ask him to repeat anything that you do not understand when he speaks. A man with good intentions will be happy to ensure that you get his pitch and will not be offended when asked to back up his words. If you don’t test the quality of the man how will you know if you have rock or sand. Clear your mind and allow your feline intellect to claw at the truth, you need truth to make good decisions.</p> <p>Feeling Bitter and resentful is a sure sign that you are not yet ready to rejoin the ranks of the intimately engaged. Leave the bruises behind but take the lessons with you for sure. The pain helps as a reminder but it needs to be held in check and not allowed to fester into resentment for MAN-kind in general. Each man deserves his own unbiased jury, Yes men have left a trail of bleeding hearts and broken souls in their mindless pursuit of the panties, but if women begin to put them through the necessary paces of qualifying for their affections, then the high rate of the heart-crimes would die down significantly. If women begin to respect each other’s relationships by not sleeping with men who are in relationships then they can force change in the behavior of men and ward off unnecessary hurt and disappointment in their lives. Hold yourselves responsible for that which you help to perpetuate in your own lives, then learn the lesson and change the patterns which bring you the same painful results repeatedly. Stop the perpetrators in their tracks and demand credibility of each one, before you let them on the stage of your hearts. Trust your instincts when something doesn’t feel right. Pause the tape and replay the scenes often to see if what he says complies with what he does. Keep your honey safe in the vault until you are certain that you are ready to make that plunge. Don’t be hurried, there is no prize for giving in early, you are only rushing in to your own demise. Don’t be callous and try to play a man’s game; you can’t win if it involves your self respect. If the stakes are too high don’t play his game. </p> <p>Be the queen you are and remember this…”A lady is a woman who makes a man behave </p> <p>like a gentle man.” Russell Lynes.</p> <p>Written by</p> <p> MICHAEL ERIC MARKLAND Author of</p> <p>Why The Hell Can’t I Find A Good Man?<br /> ..from a man’s point of view</p> <p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1253387119&#38;sr=1-1" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Why-Hell-Cant-Find-Good/dp/1439250995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&#38;s=books&#38;qid=1253387119&#38;sr=1-1</a></p> <p><a href="http://www.michaelericmarkland.com" rel="nofollow">www.michaelericmarkland.com</a></p> <p><a href="mailto:michaelericmarkland@yahoo.com">michaelericmarkland@yahoo.com</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=79#post-147 Tue, 15 Sep 2009 18:11:26 +0000 dmdow 147@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>San Francisco Bay Area African American Moms Can We Talk About Motherhood</p> <p>Working and stay-at-home African American middle income-earning moms (based on total family income) needed as volunteers for research on motherhood </p> <p>• Are you an African American middle income-earning mother living in the San Francisco Bay Area?</p> <p>• Do you currently have children under the age of 10?</p> <p>• Are you willing to share your beliefs and experiences related to motherhood, parenting, family and work?</p> <p>• If all of these apply, please consider contacting me, Dawn Dow at (510) 847-6768 or <a href="mailto:dawndow@berkeley.edu">dawndow@berkeley.edu</a> to participate in my research.</p> <p>My name is Dawn Dow and I am a PhD student in the Department of Sociology at the University of California, Berkeley. I am doing research on African American middle class mothers’ beliefs and practices about motherhood, parenting, work and family. I am interested in talking to both working and stay-at-home mothers. If you are willing to be interviewed and share your experiences or would like to find out more information about this research, please contact me via e-mail at <a href="mailto:dawndow@berkeley.edu">dawndow@berkeley.edu</a> or via telephone at (510) 847-6768. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=66#post-114 Wed, 01 Apr 2009 23:27:54 +0000 Dionne73 114@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My husband of 13 years has been having a affair. An emotional affair. When I found out I confronted him and the other woman. They both said that they were just friends which I don't believe. My husband has told me that they discussed our relationship and other things. I feel betrayed, my emotions are all over the place. Am I wrong for feeling like this because it wasn't a physical affair? </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=61#post-106 Tue, 10 Mar 2009 17:44:24 +0000 vibrant1 106@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I've been married for 7 years and our household consist of my elderly mom, 2 grandkids, &#38; at one time, my husband's daughter from his 1st marriage.She has moved out(without telling anyone!)and when we finally talked she said she just couldn't stand living w/her dad anymore. My husband lost his job about six mos ago due to his attitude. I've tried to start online business ventures to supplement our income &#38; when they weren't going well, I found out my husband purposely let them fail-his reason- because it was my idea! I would've went with his idea but he never had one(yes,I asked). I've gone to counseling with &#38; without him for years(both spiritual &#38; non), and he won't communicate.</p> <p>Recently I found that he's been communicating with about 5 women via the Internet &#38; one in particular he's been in contact with since his 1st marriage. He says he's sorry but I realize it's only because he got caught! I'm about to start working a much needed 2nd job while I complete my degree.</p> <p>What are you thoughts on this situation? I've prayed and prayed and prayed some more but the love for him is gone &#38; I'd just like to be happy again. I'm not looking or talking to another man(I've got too much to do!). I just want peace in my life again!! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=76#post-138 Mon, 17 Aug 2009 04:19:13 +0000 JMat1414 138@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>What's up everyone, </p> <p>I am a young brother who is very concerned about educating and empowering our black youth. I recently created a documentary that I hope will have a positive influence on our generation. I am not doing this for money; my sole purpose is to empower and uplift black youth. As parents, I hope you share this with other black parents and your children. Here is a trailer for my documentary/website: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8rtrxTKcDY" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8rtrxTKcDY</a> </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=75#post-135 Tue, 04 Aug 2009 12:28:08 +0000 Traceybee 135@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>My spouse is currently working as a Temporary for the USPS, as the economy is everywhere, things are tight and cuts happen everyday.. If he signs on again in December, he will be a TE for 3 years.. He has been thinking about going into the Navy.. we've been married almost 7 years and have a 3 year old son.. He is worried about what type of future he can give us, just wondering what the thoughts are about joining the military at this time. thanks! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=74#post-132 Fri, 31 Jul 2009 18:25:33 +0000 theographer 132@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Life consists of the natural man and woman who descend from the womb led by the spiritual man and woman of faith born of the Spirit of God! Those faithful to Christ, are always on west side of the cross of Christ. The invisible Kingdom of Christ, is ONLY ON THE EAST SIDE of the cross in the church of the Founding Fathers.<br /> When a man takes a wife iat the altar in any local Christian church he is NEVER told, he is turning his back on the Kingdom of Christ. In the natural marraige EVERY couple turns their back on the Kingdom of Christ and that marraige will go thru hell and stats. prove what I am saying!</p> <p>Let's reverse the order. Place the invisble Kingdom of Christ in the EAST and come back to the cross. On the westside of the cross, the first believers we find are Republicans. They are facing the cross because the Spirit of God always leads east. Now go to the Democrat wing. We find 90% of all African American Christians facing WEST and we are the furthest from the actual kingdom. This life is NOT led by the Spirit. The natural born African American &#38; the Christian live with their back to the Kingdom of Christ and that is treason. The natural marraige with all its hopes and expectations brings us no closer to the Kingdom and that in my oppinion is why these marriages go thru hell! </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=73#post-131 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 02:11:22 +0000 unique 131@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I have been with my lady five years and I cheated. Before this we had some issues of trust from both parts,however we remain to make things work for the children. We really love eachother and keep trying to keep hope alive,but I do not know now. The woman I had a affair with became pregant and kept the baby. I have a mess now and don't know where to start to fix things! I love my wife and will not leave her,but things are getting crazier as the days go by. I have to be a father to my child, however the thought of that kills my wife. The other woman loves me just as my wife and want me to come live with her. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=72#post-128 Sun, 26 Jul 2009 17:28:57 +0000 HOTT MAMA80 128@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 11 YEARS, OUT OF THOSE 11 YEARS WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 8.5. HERE IS THE PROBLEM: HE HAS BEEN TALKING TO THIS WOMAN ON THE PHONE EVERYDAY JUST ABOUT ALL DAY THEY EVEN TEXT EACH OTHER THE SAME. I FOUND OUT ABOUT HER WHEN I SAW A PIC OF HER IN HIS PHONE. YOU MAY ASK WHY AM I LOOKING THROUGH HIS PHONE...BECAUSE HE HAS LIED AND CHEATED ON ME BEFORE....AFTER THAT I KEEP MY EYES OPEN. HE THINKS I WANT TO CATCH HIM DOING SOMETHING AND HE KNOWS THAT I DON'T TRUST HIM WHEN IT COMES TO CERTAIN THINGS. I EVEN ASKED THE OTHER WOMAN WHAT WAS GOING ON AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING THAT HE SAID, SO THEN I FELT THAT HE ALREADY SCHOOLED HER ON WHAT TO SAY. AM I READING TOO MUCH INTO? IS HE CHEATING? I DON'T THINK THAT HE IS SLEEPING WITH THIS WOMAN I JUST FEEL THAT THERE'S AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR GOING ON....I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE(FEMALE) AND HE HAPPY WITH THEM WHEN THINGS AT HOME AREN'T 100%. SORRY SO LONG </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=71#post-126 Sun, 19 Jul 2009 13:25:00 +0000 mommab 126@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>So, I've been married for 2 years and I must say that I abandoned my life to make my marriage work. However, I am picking up the pieces of my life and not it seems as though my husband doesn't understand. I believe I prioritize my life around he and my son, but I need some "me" time, just to be me and enjoy some activities. The funny thing is I always ask for my husband's company first but he never wants to do anything. So I never do whatever it is. In doing this, I have neglected my exercise, social life, and overall enjoyment to try new things, go new places, etc. Prior to marriage he'd join me. So now I am bored out of my mind and don't even want to ask him to participate in anything because I don't want to be rejected to complete the simple things in life. How do I make him understand that I like things outside of just being at home, or going out to eat all of the time. There's way more to life. Please help... </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=70#post-123 Sun, 21 Jun 2009 14:56:22 +0000 yucan2 123@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>Happy "Black Fathers" Day</p> <p>He was my son. Born of a woman that he grew too love and spawned from a man that he learned too live without.</p> <p>My son, of whom I chose not to know. My son who was raised by the world. My son, taught from friends and television. Happy Father's Day to us all.</p> <p>We who have chosen to chase skirts rather than knowledge. To provide wanting rather than comfort. Absence rather than nurturing. Happy Fathers Day to us all.</p> <p>My daughter, grown woman, a mom and a professional. No thanks to me. Happy Fathers Day to us all. </p> <p>My grandchildren know me as "her" father.<br /> Is there any peace for my conscience or rest from my shame? None in this life that I've been able to find. When solace sometimes creeps in, here comes another Happy Fathers Day to us all.</p> <p>If only I attended her graduation or took him to a ballgame. If only I sent something on their birthday's. If only they knew me as more than a name. If only I had a face. A presence. If only... Happy Father's day to us all.</p> <p>My time here is now short. My fall from their grace long and unforgiving. My son's wrath is my just reward for being just another absentee dad. Happy Father's Day to us all. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=69#post-121 Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:42:00 +0000 joeblessing 121@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I had to write someplace that would understand my situation. I lost my relationship of 7yrs this year. We were engaged, and I treated her well. She gave me all the standard BS break-up lines. Fast foward 6 months, and in the last three weeks, we have been back in contact. I've been seeing if we can begin dating each other and reconnecting. We have gone out once, but not alot. Over the course of some emails and a phones calls she seemed to open to the idea, and we went on a date. Sincethat time we have just spoke on the phone. </p> <p>In some of the conversations we have had she has mentioned a number of friends she hangs with. One is a guy, of course. And so you all know where this is going. After hearing that she hung out with him last week, couldn’t (read wouldn’t) spend some time with me this weekend, but of course was with the same guy yesterday AND today. I had to ask the question. I’m not a complete idiot. I felt she was maybe seeing this guy, and while it should not matter, because of certain issues and teared-filled (on her part) discussions early in our relationship regarding things she grew up with as a dark-skinned black woman, that fact that SHE HAS IN FACT PULLED A HALLE BERRY with this guy, it bugged me even more. So I asked the question. ”Are you dating this guy.”</p> <p>Her answer, “I guess you could say that, since we see each more and more, and I’m beginning to like him. But we are not exclusive, and he knows I don’t want anything serious. He can date, and I can date other people. Does that bother you.” TIME OUT FROM HER RESPONSE! Ok, why do women (ok sometimes guys) ask stupid questions like that? I mean really, do people get some sort of stupidity disease when they break up with someone? Why ask that inane question? Especially when its a situation that she hates black men doing?? </p> <p>BACK TO HER RESPONSE So I do call her out on the ironic nature of this “new guy” and she says, “I don’t really think of him of that way. But like I said we are taking it slow. But he knows I don’t want anything serious, and he’s not pushing it.” As for my response about the attempt on our part to reconnect. ”I didn’t look at it as we’re talking to definitely try and reconnect. I’m willing to talk with you and see you, and if that happens then fine.” </p> <p>So how can an ex in another city compete with the new shiny guy that she will make plans to see, regularly, but make plans to see me occassionally–I can’t. And I feel like I shouldn’t have too. I’ve been told that, if I was going to try, then I have to let go (as the person giving the advice sees it) of that pride, and just work through it. That if I’m going to be bothered by it, I shouldn’t even bother trying to reconnect. And I feel that I shouldn’t. I don’t see a positive outcome for me from this, and the extra circumstance pisses me off. I just can’t allow myself to “compete.” </p> <p>I’m a bit angry. I’m a bit down. I honestly thought I would get farther ahead, and then would have a shot. I really did. I guess I’m really clueless. And what she’s playing at, I don’t have a clue. In the end the question is simple.</p> <p>Am I willing to keep trying, even as she dates someone else regularly, and will talk to me, and “date” me occassionally, in the hopes that I can turn it into something else. I don’t think I can as a man. I’ve seen this movie before. The guy does it, and even thinks he’s making progress, and then WHAM, the other guy is getting the sex–not him. And it goes from leaving you for bullsh*t, to choosing another man over you. Assuming they have not been intimate already. </p> http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/topic.php?id=68#post-119 Sat, 30 May 2009 22:30:50 +0000 RealMan 119@http://www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com/forums/ <p>I like the movie trailer. However, "HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR MAN TIME / DADDY DAYCARE GONE WRONG" was a disgrace. It was not funny in the least. I thought your focus was on serious ways to build our relationships. We could have found this on the local comedy show. </p> <p>We African men must grow-up.</p> <p>My hope is that this was an anomaly. </p> <p>In Peace,<br /> RealMan </p>