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1. Anonymous
   Unregistered

   My husband and I have been married for 10 years. During that time I have gained 60 pounds while my husband has gained 80. I realize that I need to lose weight and get healthy not only for me but for the sake of our 2 small children, however, there's a dilemna. My husband won't have sex with me because I'm fat. We have gone as long as 15 months without sex before. When I mentioned it to him, he scoffed and accused me of lying and called me crazy because "nobody keeps track of how much sex they have except you!" He honestly thought I had just made that timeline up...which tells me that sex with me is so low on the priority list that it doesn't even cross his mind.

   He has made several half-successful attempts at losing weight. I say "half-successful" because he starts out strong and loses weight but then he starts messing up on his diet and exercise and gains it all back. I'm always supportive of him when he does diet. I make him healthy meals and snacks and make sure that he has time to hit the gym everyday. However, when I diet the first words out of his mouth are "bet I lose more weight than you do!" Of course he will with me making it possible for him to succeed!!!

   He has told me "I told you not to get fat when we got married and that if you gained too much weight that I wouldn't be attracted to you anymore." Even though he has said that to me, I feel it's unfair because I don't love him any less because he gained weight. I understand the whole "men are visual" piece, but I don't feel that I deserve to be sexually neglected. I will admit that I have not made any serious attempts to lose weight recently because I feel like if sex is the carrot that you dangle in my face to get me to submit, then I'll just have carrot cake instead. I mean, I love my husband but even when I lose weight I will still be having sex with the same person and he's not that skilled to be making demands. I'm starting to convince myself that the destination isn't worth the journey. I know that is a self-defeating attitude so I need to work on that. However, when I do lose the weight it won't be to regain the attention of my husband at this point, but rather to get the attention of others to spark jealousy. And if he starts panting for me again once I lose the weight then how do I react to that?!? How do I feel secure in a relationship that is so conditional?

   I told him one day that he has to realize that everyone doesn't look at me and see a fat slob like he does but I still ignore advances from others because I'm waiting to get that attention from him but I'm wondering if it's worth it. I'm a beautiful girl who is told that regularly from an array of people, regardless of my size so it's not like I have to be skinny to me cute. From this whole experience, I feel that marriage love is not unconditional and can never be.

   So, tell me, who's wrong here? Him for holding out on me or me for not making the effort to provide what he wants to see? PLEASE HELP!?!?!?

   Posted 11 months ago #

2. Dee
   Member

   Hi Thommie:

   First off, if you are a woman of faith, pray and fast for your relationship to strengthen. It seems like weight issues can often be a sore spot in a relationship. These kind of issues can often lead to a lack of sexual attention. I think that first and foremost if you want to lose weight you have to do it for you, and not for the sake of anything or anyone else but you. If you are not as healthy as you could be then you have to take responsibility for that, simply because the longer that you live healthily the more that you can positively influence those in your immediate surroundings and beyond (Kids, Spouse, Siblings, Parents etc). These people need you and love you, just as much as you need and love them. This same argument goes for your husband as well. I have personally experienced when people attempt to lose weight for the wrong reason (I have done personal training for number of years). When people try to lose weight for competition, vanity, or to try to gain more interest from others, it seems that the diet and workout program often end in failure and sometimes there is even additional weight gain from their original starting point. Now more directly to your question, I don’t feel that I am qualified to give you an answer other than you both need to immediately seek professional counseling, because if you are not sharing physical love with each other, then this is a significant indicator that this and possibly other issues in your relationship need to be addressed and resolved. I will submit to you that if you both come together and decide to become more healthy as a couple and put it before god and work at it together without competition then you will have a better chance at success. Here is another thing to think about: You and your husband both should consult your personal physician and get a check up, to see if either of you have any health issues that need to be addressed. There could be health issues that have attributed to your weight gain, and there could be health issues BECAUSE of your weight gain. But if nothing else you can establish a baseline of your current health which is the best option for a place to start. You see in my opinion there is no right or wrong in this, only the desire to get to the best place you can be physically, emotionally and spiritually as individuals and as a couple. God Bless.

   Posted 11 months ago #

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